Facebook Reality Check

I recently attended a presentation intended to educate parents on the evils and benefits of Facebook. Although I found the presenter and much of her material disturbing, I did feel we benefited from attending.

First off, let me say I have a Facebook account and I love it. I have been able to connect with friends from high school and one from as far back as grade school when I lived in Costa Rica. I am also able to check on my children and send them notes like "Why were you out in the snow with a cookie sheet?" or "I thought you were studying for a test all last night, so what is up with the hurdling contest in the dorm hallways?"

My kids love it. :-)

I am also able to keep updated on nieces who are expecting babies, cousins who are on vacation and aunts and uncles who will be in town visiting.

So I went to the presentation fully supporting Facebook. But during the presentation I became more and more uncomfortable.

The presenter very strongly suggested (ordered) everyone in attendance to open an account that very day. She said we would all be out of touch with the times if we did not have one. She even went so far as to suggest that when Christ appears at His second coming, we will probably be notified via Facebook. Huh? Seriously? At any rate, the more she pushed, the more uncomfortable I became--and so did my daughter sitting next to me.

After covering the many benefits, she then addressed some of the draw backs. This is where I felt I benefited the most from attending. She pulled up her FB page and then called a 12 year old boy out of the audience to come up and do a search for his name. He did, and his page came up. She then clicked on "wall" and all of his information popped up in front of us.

Turns out all his privacy settings were set on "everyone", so with one click of a mouse all his information was up on a screen available for everyone in the room to see. He then went to one of his "friends" --which in this case was his mother-- and suddenly all of her information was available as well.

I later thought about the times I have surfed FB looking for information on someone. Whenever one of my daughters mentions the name of a boy she is interested in, I usually turn to FB to find out what I can about him. (My kids call it stalking, I like to call it "responsible parenting":-) Most of the young men have their information blocked, but I can still access their pictures. You can learn a lot about someone from pictures.

One time we looked at about 30 photos. From those we learned the approximate age of the boy, where and when he served his mission, his major, where he lived, some of his hobbies and what campus clubs he had joined. That is a lot of information in just a few pictures.

And it is certainly more information than I would want a stranger being able to access about one of my children.

So here are some guidelines we were given to help us use FB more responsibly.

1. If you have children on FB, you should have an account as well and "friend" them so you can see what they are doing/receiving.

2. If your children are minors, you should also know their password.

3. Discuss with your children their "friending" policy. I have daughters who have 800 plus friends. This means that 800 plus people can potentially access all their information and share it with their friends. It may be wiser to have your children limit their friends to close friends and family members. (When we came home, my youngest daughter "de-friended" over a hundred people.)

4. Check your privacy settings. If needed, update all 9 basic and multiple granular privacy settings to "friends only". (Go to "account" and then "privacy".)

5. Review the fan and group pages you belong to. These are always public. Un-join as many as possible.

6. Review the apps that you use and think twice before using them again. Some make information (like your location) public.

7. Check the privacy settings on your photo albums. It is possible to make "lists" of people and limit the viewing of pictures to just those on the list. (To make a "list" go to "account" then "friends" and up on the right hand corner click on "lists". )

8. Un-tag yourself in random pictures.

9. Be very, very careful what information you put on your account and what you write on your wall. Many employers, the FBI, insurance companies and others currently use FB to gather information about people. Be sure what you post adequately represents you in the way you want to be presented.

And then enjoy connecting with friends and family!

My Friend "Em". My life vs Her's

On Saturday afternoon, while I sat at the movie theater enjoying a movie with my daughter and some friends, another friend, (who I will call “Em”) was rescuing the block wall in her backyard from destruction after her little boys decided it would be really fun to make holes in the wall by swinging golf clubs at it.

While my husband went to priesthood meeting and I went to dinner with “the girls”, my friend Em was cleaning up large puddles of water from the carpet in her little boys’ room. After being sent to their room as punishment for the golf club incident, they decided to empty out the large plastic tub used for toys and fill it with water. Jumping from the beds into the water tub produced wonderful splashes that soaked the nearby bedding, the carpets and even all the way through the mattress and box spring. All the bedding had to be taken outside to dry and the water sucked up from the carpets with a shop vac.

On Sunday afternoon, while I enjoyed a very pleasant Easter feast with my family and our neighbors, my friend Em was cleaning up water and soap from her carpet in the hall. When the water from the splashing tub soaked the mattresses the night before, it also soaked a cardboard box under the bed. The box was brought out, it’s contents emptied, and the box put out to dry. However, a box that size apparently can make a great slide when placed on the stairs, and coated with soapy water.

And so today, after five little boys were all lovingly (and eagerly) placed on the bus for school, Em and I went and got pedicures.

I think she needed it.

And no longer will I complain I need more variety in my life. I think I will be happy to leave my life just as it is.:-)

At least for now.

A Few Things I Have Learned In My Many Years Of Parenthood

In a couple weeks my oldest daughter is going to turn . . . well, older . . . and much too old for me to be her mother. Two weeks later, my second child (my son) has a birthday as well. And I am wondering, when did they get so old? What happened to the little babies that used to give me hugs and kisses and come crying to me when they skinned their knees?


Their approaching birthdays have turned me to pondering on my long period of parenthood, and I have compiled a short list of lessons learned.

1. Only those with no children or small children know all the answers. Have you noticed that? You will be sitting in a class and the teacher will ask a parenting question and the first people to raise their hands are almost always the ones with little experience. The rest of us know we don’t know.

2. Those days you thought would last forever—the ones where all your kids were small and just meeting their physical needs demanded most of your time—now seem to have passed much too quickly, and you wonder why you didn’t appreciate them more.

3. Because . . .when they get older they still demand most of your time, but now you are worrying about their social, spiritual, educational, and emotional needs as well--and fervently praying for their safety.

4. Agency sounds like a good idea when you are the one exercising it, but not so great when your children think they should.

5. It is never a good thing to say, “My child would never . . . “ because they probably are. I can’t tell you how many times I heard parents discuss problems they were having with their children and thought how grateful I was not to have those same challenges—only to find out I did.

6. Just when you think you know what you are doing, the next child comes along.

7. There is a big difference between boys and girls. If I ask my daughters what they have been up to they look at each other, giggle and say, “nothing.” My son, on the other hand, would come in late at night and say, “Wow!! That was so cool! We found this old couch in the desert, and we poured gasoline on it and started it on fire and then took turns jumping over it. Do you want to see the video?”

8. Some of the best times to talk with your kids, will be inconvenient, but worth it. One of the best things I have done as a parent is wait up for my kids when they are out at night. It has been tiring, but has also proved to be critical. I wanted each of them to know that when they walked through the door they would have to look me in the eye and tell me about their evening. But I learned there were other benefits as well. My quietest children always had a hard time talking with me during the day, but their tongues seemed to be loosed after midnight. I have had many nights where I went to bed after two in the morning, due to late night chats. And I wouldn’t trade those talks for any amount of sleep.

9. Letting go requires faith. I am excited to see my kids get older, make good choices and have new opportunities, but it is also a bit scary when your sixteen year old drives off by herself in the car, or your eighteen year old tells you she is going on a road trip with friends. You just take a deep breath and pray a lot.

10. You aren't doing your kids any favors by not teaching them to work. Lazy kids will often grow up to be lazy adults, so for Heaven's sake teach them to do their own laundry, make them do the dishes, sweep and mop the floors, clean the toilets, take out the garbage and weed the garden. I am always shocked at how many parents don't make their kids do house work. I have had mothers ask me how I get my kids to work, and I tell them. I say to the kids, "Here are your jobs. Do them." Of course a stern scowl from their father doesn't hurt. :-)

And here is my most embarrassing parent moment.

One night my son came home and told me he and his friends found an old shopping cart in the desert. For fun, they tied it to the back of a truck, put another friend in it with a helmet on (thankfully!) and dragged him at 50 mile an hour speeds through the sage brush.

The next morning was Sunday and the mother of the poor dragged boy was teaching relief society. She commented on how grateful she was for her son’s friends, especially my son, because she knew if her boy was with mine, he would be safe.

As other mothers turned to me with looks of "Oh, that is so sweet, " I about slid to the floor.

Why I Love the Book of Mormon . . . or How Long Can You Carry A Grudge?

While reading the Book of Mormon a couple weeks ago, I was struck by the length of time the Lamanites could carry a grudge. Four hundred and thirty years after Lehi brought his family to the Promised Land, they were still angry over perceived injustices that occurred during their travels.

In Mosiah 10 we learn the Lamanites believed they were forced to leave Jerusalem due to the evil doings of Lehi, wronged in the wilderness, and wronged again while crossing the sea --all because of the iniquity of Nephi, who also unjustly stole the record of their people when he fled into the wilderness (to preserve his life). From generation to generation they taught their children to hate the Nephites. And so hate was spread from parent to child year after year, decade after decade, resulting in death and sorrow for many people.

My first thought was, "Wow! I am pretty sure I have no idea who offended any of my ancestors over 400 years ago. " I was amazed a legacy of hate could have been preserved for so many generations. But then of course, I was reminded of the problems in the middle east today as well as in other parts of the world and realized I was being a bit naive.

But what I also realized was the impact our teachings can have on our children for generations. We can teach them to hate and distrust, or we can teach love, faith and compassion. We can teach selfishness or we can teach service and charity.

My parents are great examples of teaching good qualities. My father is the most obedient and hard working person I know, and he has diligently tried to instill those qualities in his children. I remember well one Saturday morning when I was twelve and it was our stake's turn to pick cherries at the stake welfare farm. Sleeping late sounded so much better to me than getting up at 5:30 to work in an orchard. So when my father came to get me, I told him I couldn't find my shoes and therefore could not go. He suggested I wear another pair. So I told him directly, I did not want to go.

I will always remember his very unsympathetic response. He said, "Sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to do, but we do them anyway because it is the right thing to do." That seems like such a simple and basic comment, but it and his example, have stayed with me and been the impetus behind my completing some very unsavory tasks.

I also appreciate the example of selfless service set by my mother. She has a very tender and kind heart and often reaches out to the poor and needy. While visiting my parents in Guatemala a few years ago, we were leaving to go on a sight seeing journey when I noticed my mother filling her purse with food and coins. And then as we traveled across town, she would give the food and money to the little beggar children holding out their hands at the stop lights.

So my thought these past few weeks is this, "What kind of legacy am I leaving my children?" Is it one of anger, hostility and selfishness? Or is it love, kindness and service? Am I teaching them to hold a grudge against those who might offend them, or does my example teach forgiveness?

I am sorry to say, I realized I need to do a lot better. But, that is one reason why I love the Book of Mormon . . . it helps me to see where I need to improve and improvement always brings . . . joy to my journey.

Parents can be so embarrassing!

Three girls from our stake showing off their school spirit. The two on the ends are both in my seminary class.

(A little scary, I know, but they really are good girls:-)

Last night was the homecoming football game at our local high school. The team went into the game undefeated and exited in the same style. In fact they pummeled the poor other team 66-0.

That does not make for a lot of excitement. But there were two kids from our stake up for homecoming royalty, so we went to support them and their parents.

There were about ten of us sitting together which included two seminary teachers, two members of the stake presidency and a bishop. Not exactly the group teenagers want to hangout with. And us being there seemed to be even more uncomfortable for the children of the parents we were sitting with.

A few kids in the stake came by to visit, others would walk by, see us, and then wave briefly as they hurried by. More humorous though, was one friend's daughter who would walk by quickly, glancing at us out of the corner of her eyes, hoping perhaps that if she didn't acknowledge us, we would not see her.

But the funniest person was another friend's daughter who called her mother on her cell phone to tell her she would be coming by and to please not call out her name.

Hmmmm. Way too tempting. She would have been much better off to not have made that call, because once she said that, everyone felt compelled to stand and chant her name as she passed in front of us.

In fact we started cheering for all the youth that walked by. Daughter number 1 quit coming and three girls from my seminary class, looked up, saw who was cheering for them and ran away.

Hopefully they will all quickly recover from the embarrassment of the parental/church leader cheering section, because the reality is that each one of us there truly loves the youth in our stake. And although we don't always stand and cheer for them out loud as they pass in front of us, we are all cheering for them silently, in the lessons prepared, the talks given and the prayers offered in their behalf.

So to the youth of the church . . . Hurrah!! Hurrah!! Hurrah!!

We love you and will ALWAYS be your personal cheering section!!

I thought I was a good parent. . . until we got a dog.

So I thought I was a good parent . . . until a few minutes ago. Ironically, I even got up early this morning and started a blog post about some parenting advice I had to offer which I thought was pretty good. I mean it wasn’t my best advice. You can read that here. It was my second best but, still pretty good, I thought.


Then my friend Lisa sent me an email and totally blew away my parenting illusions.



I am a bad, bad parent!! Or at least when it comes to “parenting” dogs.



Yesterday was my first day home alone with Lacy, our fairly newly acquired, furry, four legged, first ever pet in our married household. Although up until now I have had a child home to care for her needs, I thought I was up to the task. After all I grew up with dogs, and anyway, how hard could this be? Right?


But it was a miserable day. And I didn’t get a thing done because I was always having to play with, chase, clean up after, or walk the dog.

I called my husband for moral support and he just laughed, and laughed, and laughed—loudly.

So I called my daughter, a proud owner herself of two dogs. She also laughed and then told me I had to learn to be “Alpha Dog”. Huh?? I have never even heard that term before, let alone know how I am supposed to do that.


So, I emailed my good friend Lisa—also an owner of pets, and she wrote me back this morning. She didn’t laugh. She was mostly incredulous that I had allowed the dog to control my day like that. (Sorry, Lisa, but until your email I didn’t know I had a choice!)


She quoted back to me my email, " She kept snapping at my feet and arms, so I would take her outside and run her around--in the terrible heat--and then bring her back and a few minutes later, do it all over again." Lisa added---“Basically what you did was teach her if she snaps at you, you are going to take her outside to play. So of course she snapped again, she knew you would take her out.”


Apparently I was rewarding bad behavior.


Lisa went on to quote, "And when I tried to eat my lunch she went crazy for my food, so I had to lock myself in the office to eat," She then asked why I was the one on lock down and not Lacy. Good question.


It was at that moment I realized I was just like those indulgent parents I roll my eyes about. You know, the ones who think they have to give in to their children’s every whim out of fear their child will either throw a tantrum and make everyone miserable, or be ostracized by their friends because they don’t have the latest and best version of every form of technology.


I was being an indulgent parent.


So, thanks for the wakeup call, Lisa. And now I am off to learn how to be “Alpha Dog”.


Wish me luck!!