Today I am feeling depressed, discouraged and just slightly despondent. I am pretty sure my eye sight has gotten worse these past few days, which is probably a blessing, because now I can't see those new wrinkles around my eyes. But it probably doesn't matter. Even if I can't see it happening, I can feel it. It was bound to happen sometime, I know. Well, truth be told, it has been happening all along for many years, I have just tried to ignore it, but this year I can deny it no longer. I am getting old.
In a few months I will be having "one of those" (OOT) birthdays. You know, the ones that require you to bump up the first number of your age to a new decade.
I always remember everyone’s birthday and love to plan celebrations for all my friends. And last fall when my husband had his birthday, I had a fun three day celebration for him. At first he said he didn’t want me to do anything, he just wanted to get out of town. But after some lengthy conversations, bribing, and begging, I convinced him to let me have a party which ended up being a lot of fun for everyone. . . even him. And this summer I have a good friend who is also having OOT birthdays (although she is a decade younger--so still young!). I am eager to plan her celebration as well. I already have thoughts for a theme, decorations, food etc.
But, a few days after her birthday it will be mine. And the closer I get to my actual birth date, the more I am realizing I just want to hide and pretend it isn’t even happening. I don’t want to be around people with black balloons and old age gag gifts. And I certainly don’t want anyone to say a word about me being old. So basically, I will admit it, I am a hypocrite. I think parties are a must for everyone else, but I, the neighborhood party queen, do not want one. The thought makes me want to curl up in the corner and cry.
My husband tells me I will regret it. He thinks I will feel really bad when my birthday passes and I haven’t spent it with friends. And I agree. I will feel bad. But I think I am going to feel worse if I do spend it with friends who make me feel old, either by comments, or by age comparison. And let's be honest. Bursting into tears and bawling uncontrollably at your birthday party is just an uncomfortable night for everyone.
Yes, I know I am being silly, I know I should be glad to be having a birthday---after all, what is the alternative? I know that this is the youngest I will ever be again so I should enjoy it and I know that one day I will look back and think I was being ridiculously silly but . . .even knowing all of that, I still can't face it.
I am going to run.
And perhaps while I am away I will do something wonderfully adventurous and totally crazy so I can feel young again.
Oh, dang. I think I am having a midlife crisis.:-)