Today I am feeling depressed, discouraged and just slightly despondent. I am pretty sure my eye sight has gotten worse these past few days, which is probably a blessing, because now I can't see those new wrinkles around my eyes. But it probably doesn't matter. Even if I can't see it happening, I can feel it. It was bound to happen sometime, I know. Well, truth be told, it has been happening all along for many years, I have just tried to ignore it, but this year I can deny it no longer. I am getting old.
In a few months I will be having "one of those" (OOT) birthdays. You know, the ones that require you to bump up the first number of your age to a new decade.
Waaaaaa!!!
I always remember everyone’s birthday and love to plan celebrations for all my friends. And last fall when my husband had his birthday, I had a fun three day celebration for him. At first he said he didn’t want me to do anything, he just wanted to get out of town. But after some lengthy conversations, bribing, and begging, I convinced him to let me have a party which ended up being a lot of fun for everyone. . . even him. And this summer I have a good friend who is also having OOT birthdays (although she is a decade younger--so still young!). I am eager to plan her celebration as well. I already have thoughts for a theme, decorations, food etc.
But, a few days after her birthday it will be mine. And the closer I get to my actual birth date, the more I am realizing I just want to hide and pretend it isn’t even happening. I don’t want to be around people with black balloons and old age gag gifts. And I certainly don’t want anyone to say a word about me being old. So basically, I will admit it, I am a hypocrite. I think parties are a must for everyone else, but I, the neighborhood party queen, do not want one. The thought makes me want to curl up in the corner and cry.
My husband tells me I will regret it. He thinks I will feel really bad when my birthday passes and I haven’t spent it with friends. And I agree. I will feel bad. But I think I am going to feel worse if I do spend it with friends who make me feel old, either by comments, or by age comparison. And let's be honest. Bursting into tears and bawling uncontrollably at your birthday party is just an uncomfortable night for everyone.
Yes, I know I am being silly, I know I should be glad to be having a birthday---after all, what is the alternative? I know that this is the youngest I will ever be again so I should enjoy it and I know that one day I will look back and think I was being ridiculously silly but . . .even knowing all of that, I still can't face it.
I am going to run.
And perhaps while I am away I will do something wonderfully adventurous and totally crazy so I can feel young again.
Oh, dang. I think I am having a midlife crisis.:-)
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15 comments:
oh..sick feeling in my tummy. i will have THAT "oot"
birthdays that scares me to death.. not in one month but four weeks from today. i really got a sick feeling reading your email. maybe that is where my really deep depression has been coming from the past little while. lol
I always think of the Primary song, "I like my brithdays everyone, each brings a special joy to me..."
and they do. I love my birthdays...getting older is less about the numbers and more about the possibilites still ahead!
I have an OOT birthday next year and I am already dreading it. I guess I need to come up with a plan to handle it in a way I know I will enjoy it and not let others plan it for me. I totally agree about the "over the hill" stuff.
My best advice is to lie about your age but NOT the way you think. 29 does none of us any good anymore! You know I just had a birthday 3 days ago (39), I told everyone who asked that I was turning 45. All I heard all day was how good I look and they cannot believe how well I have aged etc. etc. It was like a free facelift!
I feel like that at my age.
Gramee--I am so sorry. I really don't want my blog to get anyone depressed. However, perhaps we can be support to each other through this instead. Jill--you are much too young to feel like that! Nature Girl--I like your idea, although I am not sure I want people to think I am even older than I am. But I will have to think about that one.It is rather humorous. Becky--With your weight loss goal--and achievement, I think you will have plenty to celebrate when you reach your OOT! But be sure to plan your celebration your way! And don't let anyone bring black balloons!And Momza--I agree and used to think more like that as well, until a couple months ago. My husband took me hot air ballooning for my last decade celebration to show me there was still a lot of life to be lived. I think my problem this time is I have a lot of friends who are a lot younger than I am and they make me feel oh, so old!! It might be better to just have old friends who make you feel young, but then who will attend your funeral :-)
Ok here is my dream get away- You should go to a way ritzy spa and spend the weekend there being pampered and come home with a hip new look and wardrobe! Nothing says "Birthday" like a shopping spree :)
My hardest birthday was 20. Weird, huh?! Just something about having a 2 in front for some reason. 30 was great and I'm looking forward to 40. There's something liberating about "growing up". I agree with Momza- the older I get, the more possibilities I can see. So, just relax and enjoy your day (and the ones leading up to it). At least you're not turning 20! Can you imagine having to do all that over again? No thanks!
I don't think it's so bad that you're turning 30... I promise you'll survive it! :)
I hate birthdays since I turned 30! I don't want to be a teenager again or anything, I just want to quit getting old!
I used to laugh when women seemed obsessed with their age - no I'm one of them!
I hope you have a happy birthday, whatever you decide!
We'll call it an anniversary party and say we're celebrating the 10th anniversary of celbrating your 30th birthday.
See- doesn't sound SO bad does it?
And don't worry about people making you sad. Kat, Chelle and I will act as bouncers at the door and escort anyone out who misbehaves. I even own a whistle
Oh Lori!! You are too funny!Birthdays are amazing! Think of all the things you have learned over your years! You have discovered new talents, learned how to better your realationships with friends and family members, your testimony has grown, weaknesses you have overcome, etc, etc. You wouldn't have all that if you didn't have your years!! I always say a special prayer on my birthday and I thank the Lord for giving me one more year on this earth to hug my children, to laugh really really hard, to love my husband, to repent and change. How sad it would be if you didn't have any more birthdays. On your birthday, instead of celebrating your age, celebrate your knowledge and your growth. Its wonderful the Lord has given you all those years to be here!
Okay, I really liked Meredith's idea about pampering at the spa and the shopping spree. Now I just need to lose 25 pounds by then so I will WANT to by clothes! But I have read your advice and I will celebrate all my age earned wisdom--while I am out of town hiding. :-) And to my daughters . . .thanks for being such good little liars
The trick to feeling younger is to hang out with really old people. Ten years or more your senior really makes you feel young. They think of you as a kid. Their eyesight is so poor they cannot see any of your faults.
See there is a purpose in me coming home.
Well Lori, I am trying to feel sorry for you but it's hard because I have children that are getting close to being your age.
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